Contradictions.

"Why is life so hard?" 

One of my very best friends texted me this the other night and for probably the first time in my life (ok, maybe not the very first time), I was at a loss for words. I didn't text back for a good half hour...which is somewhat unusual for me. It's such a simple question and yet...not at all. Why is life so hard sometimes? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do perfectly healthy children suddenly get diagnosed with cancer? My answer? I don't know. I'm not going to begin to try and answer or reason with something that I just can't figure. Yes, I can sit here and say we live in an evil, fallen world and that's just what happens, but what kind of hollow answer is that? I've come to realize that there are things we'll never understand the meaning of, good or bad. But isn't that what makes life...life? I think a lot of people want a map or manual handed to them, showing them which way to go or which route to take, but isn't it the periods of complete derailment that make us into who we're supposed to be? Jesus never said life would be safe and He most certainly never said it would be easy, but I've found that it's in those moments of complete brokenness and confusion and wandering that I realize...even through the aching sting of loss or heartbreak, life is beautiful. It's messy. It's confusing. It's downright crazy...but it's beautiful. 

I have to admit to you though, sometimes, I wish more than anything that I had all of the answers. I want to know why people come and go so quickly through our lives. I want to know why children starve in third-world countries while children here turn there noses up at the food they're given. I want to know why it's so easy to judge and yet so incredibly hard and painful to love sometimes. I want to know the real reason as to why God made mosquitos...(c'mon, you know you wonder the same thing).
...........
But then again, I don't want to know because to me, that is the beauty of life, the not knowing. Is that scary? Well, yeah, but I think it'd be so much scarier to know everything. If we knew everything...there would be absolutely no need for grace and worst still, there'd be no mystery. And if you ask me, it's that mystery, that spark that keeps us wanting to live for just one day more.

I also wonder though...if we knew all of the answers, would we even be able to understand them? Could our simple, finite minds even comprehend them?

Needless to say, when I find eternity...I'll have a lot of questions:)

xoxo, me

The question.

I'm a collector. I collect vintage clothes. I collect antique, hand-stitched handkerchiefs. I collect old toffee tins that most people see as junk. And lastly (and most importantly, if you ask me) I collect books. That's not all, I could go on forever. Literally... But I won't for your sake. I love the history of things. I love knowing that they had a past. I love that they've somehow made it through the years, presumably through moves and divorces and separations and family feuds. I love that each and every thing has a "story".

As I was going through all of my stuff the other day, it hit me, like really hit me, almost for the first time. One day, it'll all be gone. Mere dust and none of it will matter. Nobody will ooh and ah over it and tell me how "unique" or "interesting" I am because of the things that I collect. The clothes I wear and the books of poetry passed down from my precious and ever missed great-grandmother won't matter. As much as I try to fill my life with things that I think will set me apart...in reality, it's not things that set me (or you) apart. It's how we choose to love that sets us apart, it's in how we choose to part with the day and welcome the evening, it's in how we choose to welcome each and every new and precious morning. It's in those pedestrian moments of simplicity that we figure out who we really are and there's no epic movie score that accompanies it, but it's in those small, quiet, seemingly dull and routine moments that we're able to separate self from stuff. 

So many times, we try to silence the ever present question of, "Who am I?", with stuff. With things. With antique toffee tins and vintage clothes and old books...and yet, does that ever silence the question? 

....if only it were that easy. It's hard to think about life without stuff, without the things we unconsciously cling to each and every day and I could say it's because we're Americans, but really, it's because we're people. It's because we're human. We follow our eyes when we should follow our heart. We long for what is unseen (like hope, joy, peace, love, and satisfaction) and yet we clumsily answer these longings and desires with manmade things, things that we can see with our human eyes and things that will all too soon be tossed away or given to Goodwill. We can't even fathom a life without stuff. It's unnatural. It's strange. It's scary. But if we strip it away, who are we then? Beyond my affinity for vintage and pre-loved things, who am I? 

I keep looking at the remnants of things past to tell me who I am today, not realizing that at the base of who I am, is a soul that longs for more than things, for more than stuff, for more than what money can ever afford. It goes so far beyond that. And it's confusing sometimes. But I'm learning more and more that the real me, is not found in a comfy and quaint antique market or in a small, cramped and locally-owned bookstore that smells like a heavenly blend coffee and old hymnals. No, that's not me. As much as I adore both of those things, they don't make me who I am. And you know, that's scary to think about. The things we participate in and support and spend our money on are typically the things that we label ourselves by, but why? Why is it so hard for me to realize that I'm not what I cling to? You and I are so much more than what we store up on this earth. We're breath and flesh and blood...and God doesn't expect us to be anything else. We're beautiful and unique and interesting and accepted...without all of our stuff... 

xoxo, 

 me

I'm needy.

You know what I don't understand? Why the term, 'needy' is used negatively. You never hear someone use the say 'in need' or 'needy' in a positive way. Think about it. We help 'needy' people, those 'in need', that person is 'needy', this person is 'needy'. Why is it that we take such pride in helping needy people and yet we would never, ever want to classify our own selves as needy? Here's the thing...we're all needy. We all long for something, for someone to connect to and while yes, our needs may not look like those that the world considers lowly, we all have needs and most of the time when you dig deep down to the roots, they're the same. Never think for a minute that you're any different than the homeless man begging on the street corner or the young woman desperately trying to seek shelter in a relationship, because you're not and neither am I. Inside each of us, beats a beautifully vulnerable heart that longs for the exact same thing. The comfort and fulfillment that love brings and the longing for being a part of something bigger than ourselves. 

And you know what I'm finding along the way? I'm realizing more and more that it's ok to be needy, it's ok to need God, it's ok to need people, it's ok to ask for support and guidance. It's ok. Even though we live in a world that screams, begs, and beckons for us to be independent, at our core...we're not meant to be. We were created to long for, created to desire, created to need. And why is that we're so bent on the need to discover ourselves, when the very foundation of what everything we'll ever need is wrapped up in who He is?

So yes, I'm needy and I'm ok with that...and I hope I always am. And little by little, God is showing me not to help people because they're needy, but because they're people.


xoxo, me

Song of the day.

For those of you that adore music (and c'mon, who doesn't?), I hope you enjoy this cover as much as I do. The fact that it's acoustic AND it's the theme song from one of my favorite movies of all time (Breakfast at Tiffany's) just sends me over the moon (pun intended). So dreamy. If you haven't already heard of them, do yourself a favor and check out The Honey Trees. FANTASTIC.

The heart of the matter.

Recently, I was talking with some friends about regrets. Things we wished we hadn't said, things we wish we hadn't done, things we wish we had thought twice about. During our conversation, it occurred to me, that we as humans carry around enormous burdens of regret, disappointment, fear, and the longing to go back; To undo things, to unsay words we said in anger or fear. Whether it's little occurrences, or large and life-altering situations, we all have these little, hidden places in our lives that aren't so shiny, or pretty, or easy and you know what bothers me about that? Somewhere along the way, we get convinced by society, our friends, and hey let's face it, our churches, that God can't use that. God can only use the pretty, already 'perfect' situations, why would He even bother with the messy, ugly, and painful parts of our lives? No one wants to see that! We hinge our respect for ourselves on what others think of our lives. If others ridicule us, we ridicule ourselves, and then it becomes one big, painful and blistering cycle of regret and self-hate.

These conversations made me realize one thing: we have forgotten how much God loves us. We get so hung up in the rules and regulations of religion that we have completely overlooked the fact that His love is the only thing that can ever exceed anything we experience on this earth. It eclipses our lives here and transcends into eternity. God loves you. Do you understand that? He loves you. And it's not because of anything you say or do, it doesn't hinge on your behavior. God's love is like nothing we can ever understand on this side of the universe. When you walk outside and look at the night sky, glittering with stars and galaxies, do you realize that He breathed that into existence that for you? Hard to grasp, but the picture of that is breathtaking in every way. 

I guess what I'm trying to reiterate, is that I wish that people understood just how much they're loved. It doesn't matter what you've done, it doesn't matter where you've been, and it doesn't matter how many times you've failed. He loves you. You know how a new mother looks at her child? That look of complete bliss and satisfaction and love and wonder...that's how God sees you every single day of your life. He doesn't see the stains from our mistakes, He sees a heart that's desperate to be loved and accepted. He sees you wholly and completely and He sees past your outward appearance, He sees your heart and the beauty that lies within. 

I hear people say all the time, "I'm living life with no regrets", but let's be honest with ourselves: that's impossible. There are always going to be moments you're not proud of and things you wished had never happened in the first place, but I want you to realize that God goes beyond that. He doesn't judge, He doesn't point fingers, He doesn't talk about us behind our back. He's not like us, He doesn't have our emotions or our tendency to judge critically and immediately. He embraces us, He longs for us to trust Him, He sent His son just so we could live in the freedom of a promised eternity.

My prayer for anyone struggling with regret and shame over your past is that you would realize that you are not your past. You are valued, you are worth more than you can ever imagine, and you were given the life that you're living for a reason. Don't let your shame and regret of things past make you into someone that God never meant for you to be. Forgive the ones that hurt you, forgive yourself, and know that you can never, ever do anything that would make God love you any less. Life is messy, it's painful, and sometimes, it's just plain confusing, but don't think for one minute that God can't use those parts of your life. He loves taking the messy and the painful and the confusing and turning them into something beautiful beyond measure. Some people say you can't see God, but look around you. Look at the clouds, look at the flower and trees and birds, breathe deeply and rest in the fact that all that you see, was created out of love for you. Bask in that. 

Leave your shame behind. Leave your fear behind. Leave your self-hatred behind. You're forgiven. You're free from your past. You're free to live. Realize that regrets are inevitable, but declaring freedom from them is a choice. Above everything, know that you are loved. 

xoxo, me

Psalm 103: 8-12

Exodus.

'It made me feel like even though a million things are different in my life than they were then, like email and Gore-Tex and Zone Bars and dishwashers, some things are not so different, like bugs and yeast and the impulse to worship. There's still a big story, disguised as regular life, and the big story is about love and death and God, and about bread and wine and olives, about forgiveness and hunger and freedom, about all the things we dream about, and all the things we handle and hold. Exodus was the Wild West, lawless and risky, and it's the cities we live in, bursting with life and meaning, and someday, when the future brings a world we can't even imagine now, Exodus will be there, in the songs and sounds and in the flesh and bones of a people who still wander and yearn for home.' 

 It's amazing the power words have over us, isn't it? This particular quote is from one of my favorite books, 'Cold Tangerines'. In the book, the author (Shauna Niequist) points out how the simplicities of life are what threads it all together. So many times, I find myself in a mixed up jumble of what I think my life should be about...only to realize that I've once again missed its' meaning completely. Life is not about promotions, it's not about events, it's not about achievements, it's not about our feelings, it's not about our futures, it's not about what we think it should be about. I've come to realize that life is about blue sky days and rainy nights, it's about riding your shopping cart down the aisles like you did when you were a kid, it's about laughing for no reason and crying because you realize all over again how sweet love is, it's about driving around aimlessly just so you can roll down the windows and sing at the top of your lungs, it's about knowing that at any moment something wonderful can eclipse the pain of fear and worry. One thing life will never be about: us.

We struggle through our daily routines, saying that our lives are "complicated", when in reality, we're the ones that make it that way. Life, at its purest form, is sweet and fragrant and rich and intoxicating, but it's never complicated. In fact, it's simple. And I'm not talking about the cycle of life itself, I'm talking about the ins and outs, the day-to-day functions...and dysfunctions. Our once pure emotions get tangled in our small-minded human reasoning...and that's where it gets complicated. God didn't create our hearts so we could puncture them with self-inflicted pressure and expectation. We weren't created to glorify ourselves, we weren't created to figure out the meaning of life, we weren't created to reason until we're blue in the face, we were created to live. We were created to hold those close to us in good times and bad, to love people past their beliefs and actions, to play in the rain barefooted, to bake chocolate chip cookies exactly at midnight just because. Life isn't meant to be scrutinized, it's meant to be lived. And not because of the "YOLO" craze, not because our pastors and ministers tell us we should in order to feel "fulfilled", and not because it makes sense, but because at the very core of each of our lives, there is an overwhelming desire to be a part of Something bigger than ourself.

I hope I never understand the true meaning of life. I don't want to. You and I are not here to understand, we're here to love and worship, and explore, and go, and do, and hunger and thirst for things that cannot be fed by the material world. I want to constantly be hungry and not for food, but for what I cannot see; love, hope, mercy, grace, forgiveness, joy, goodness and I never want to filled, I want to always hunger for those things. To me, that's the best kind of hunger there is, the hunger to be poured out daily for the glory of the One who knew us before we knew ourselves. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I wasted it on doing what I thought was living. I don't want it to be a monochromatic reel of tasks, and wasted opportunities, and unspoken words of forgiveness. I want it to vibrant. 

My prayer for now is not that I understand, but that I realize that with each breath given to me, life is beyond my reasoning, it's beyond my control, it's beyond what I can comprehend as a mere being. The more I realize that, the more I realize that I am not meant to go on this journey alone, and in turn, I become even more dependent on the One who gave me breath, who gave me a generous coffee colored birthmark on my left arm, the One who knew that I would greatly struggle with anxiety and depression, and the One who created me with a great need to hug and nurture those around me. Independence is greatly valued in today's world, but I don't want it. The older I get, the more I want to depend on Jesus...and I hope that never changes and I also hope I never forget that life has nothing to do with me.

xoxo, me

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." ++Psalm 63:3

The scariest word of all.

Oh boy. To be completely honest with you, this hurts to even confess. I've been going back and forth with myself for nearly a week now on whether or not to post this, but because I've found it to be intensely relevant for pretty much anyone with a beating heart, I will.

Forgiveness; n. -the action or process of being forgiven.

 Now, that is a very scary word. Scarier than any horror movie, if you ask me. It just seems so...intimidating, so beyond me, and besides, what does it even mean? What does it look like?

Just this past Monday night, I found myself feeling flustered all over again at people that I was sure I had "forgiven". Why was I still feeling the exact same way about them that I had felt so long ago? I thought I had grown past all of that, as painful as it was, but that ugly, human nature part of me seemed ever so eager to remind exactly why I shouldn't love them (as I am loved), and more importantly, why I shouldn't forgive them.

 At first, I was just as eager to side with that part of me, the part that wanted to be angry, the part that wanted to feel validated, the part that wanted walk in unforgiveness. I started a mental reel of all the things that had hurt me, wounded me, crushed me. The longer it got, the angrier I got...and then it hit. It felt like a gigantic, larger-than-life wave had just washed over me and reduced me to tears. Mournful, broken tears. 'What was that?', I wondered. It felt like I had been turned upside down emotionally. It paralyzed me. After a few moments of complete confusion, I realized what it was...I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want any of it. I didn't want the anger, I didn't want the bitterness, and I didn't want the unforgiveness. I suddenly felt breathless, helpless, almost panic stricken because I wasn't sure I'd know who I was without it. For so long, I had (unknowingly, really) let this seed of unforgiveness become bigger, and bigger, and bigger and before I knew it, it had overtaken the most tender part of me.

 As I sobbed at the ugliness of my attitude, I begged and pleaded with God to take it away. All of it, the unkind thoughts towards them, the bitterness of things past, and all remnants of (here it is again), unforgiveness. I know this might sound completely silly, but in that moment, I felt so utterly raw, so human, and so very vulnerable. I was handing over the most wounded part of me to Someone I can't even see and it. was. scary. Who was I without it? I had let it reign over me for so long that I wasn't even sure that I could cope without it.

 I think what I realized more than anything was the fact that, I had been forgiven by the very God of forgiveness and yet here I was, clawing to stay in a place of unforgiveness and even worse, denying the very heart of who He is to those around me. As much as I didn't want it anymore, that all too human part of me was refusing to let go of it. Why, why, WHY is it so hard to forgive sometimes? Why is it that in moments of clarity, that sneaky, bitter feeling of something past sneaks in and reminds us why we're angry in the first place?

 The more I sobbed, the more I realized that it's because of God's forgiveness that I'm even able to forgive in the first place. I was suddenly able to picture Him saying, "I'll take it for you. I bear the load you cannot handle. I'll take it". I cannot describe to you the tenderness of that moment, but now I know one thing for sure: we are free to forgive because we have been freely forgiven. No strings attached. No uncertainty. No questions. We're forgiven of all our humanness. Completely. Wholly. Totally. Forgiven. Isn't that wonderful? We are free to be, free to live, free to forgive.

 One of my favorite Scriptures is John 10:10 and it says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I realized that for me, this "thief" was a spirit of unforgiveness. It colored my every thought, my every action and yet, left me increasingly empty. It was eating me alive internally, BUT it's only by His grace and mercy that I was able to finally let go and breathe in the fresh, clean air of complete forgiveness. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some super-spiritual, ultra strong, "ideal" Christian...because I'm so not. I'm human. I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. I'm unsure. It's only through the grace of God (literally!) that I'm even able to get up in the morning. My very life depends on Him, which is scary to think about at times, but I have to trust it. I don't want to half-live my life, muddled underneath unrequited feelings, I want life at its fullest and what's even better...is that God Himself wants that for me, too! For all of us!

As a side note, I'll warn you...unlike God's forgiveness towards us, our forgiveness towards each other is not a one-time thing. It's not something you say one time and then go on about your day, because as humans, we're naturally inclined to hold onto stuff, feelings, and emotions. It's a constant decision to say, "God, I'm giving it to you. All of it. I don't want it anymore". It's a (sometimes painful) daily struggle, but it sure is a beautiful process. Which reminds me, did y'all love the how the definition for forgiveness includes the word "process"? I found that to be painfully true. It is a process, sometimes a lifelong one, but ultimately it's worth it. The pain, the fear, the struggle, the uncertainty is worth it.


Whew. That was tough to delve into, but I hope whoever reads this found some relevance and commonality through it. We're human. We mess up. We're unreasonable at times BUT we're freely forgiven. I recently came across the perfect quote (on Pinterest, of course!) and it says this: "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future". Such beautiful words with an even more beautiful meaning...

Xoxo,
ME


"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are My disciples." -John 13:34-35

Can you find Mr. Darcy...in Jersey Shore?, The Day I Stopped Believing in Disney Movies, and other tales of romance.

You know, I realized the other day how often I find myself changing the channel (if ever) I watch TV. From advertisements about burger joints, to Victoria's Secret ads (ick!) (which, by the way...I don't think Victoria has any secrets...she's shown them all!), and even car commercials....they all have one thing in common: sex. Now, before you label me a prude and shut off your computer in disgust, I want to be very clear: I am a prude. Ha, but don't be too quick to label me Amish, I'm simply a normal, 21 year old girl who is fed up with the sex-saturation that has such a firm grip on our society, specifically on the delicate hearts of young women around the world. Why is it that as women, we long to be romanced by Mr. Darcy and yet, we feel the need to dress like the girlfriend of a Jersey Shore character? Why does Hollywood constantly churn out movies that continue to fan the ever-growing flame of the deep, ingrained desire to be loved and longed for and yet tells us to settle for looks instead of depth? In our efforts to seek passion, we've somehow taken a very wrong turn and managed to completely obliterate intimacy and in turn, romance.

Now, what's the first thing to pop into your head when you think of the word, romance? For most (me, included) it seems that it has almost become synonymous with the word, bedroom. Ladies (and gentlemen, too...stay with me!), romance is not the same thing as sex. Let me say that again, romance is not the same thing as sex. The textbook definition for romance is: "a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love". I love that definition, don't you? What girl doesn't love a man who leaves something to the imagination...it's intriguing! But sadly, in today's society, the mystery has disappeared and even worse...the love of mystery has disappeared. As a little girl, I longed for the day when a man would sweep me off my feet (not unlike most Disney story lines) and really, didn't we all? While little boys are busy playing ninjas and army men, little girls are all too content to play house and rock their baby dolls, but somewhere along the way, the differentiation between little girl and woman was horribly twisted. It told us to think that the moment we become teenagers (or maybe even a little before) is the very moment that suddenly, the imagination and longings of our girlhood should be tossed away with our ragged teddy bears and outgrown clothes. We give into the (at first) subtle whispers of society that tell us the romance and wonder we dreamed of as children is nothing but a myth, that it only happens to princesses and even worse, it drives us to feel that we are nothing more than our bodies. As a young woman myself, there have been many times where I've just broken down and said, "God, will I ever love me for me? Will I ever love the way I look?"...but here's the thing: it's never been about me loving myself, it's about me understanding and accepting how much God loves me. As humans, we are never able to "perfectly" love anyone, especially ourselves, but isn't it amazing to think that when God looks at each of us with a love that only He can understand, it literally takes His breath away? I want you to really think about that...the same God that created the Northern Lights and the vast savannas of Africa looks at you and gasps with love and longing. Pretty neat picture, huh?:)

As I was walking through my local mall the other day, I was bombarded on all sides with well, sex (and the nauseating smell of food court fare, which only added to the somewhat out-of-body experience). From huge, larger than life lingerie models posing (very) suggestively, to mannequins (with a 10-inch waist, mind you) decked in frothy looking, bustier tops and little else on bottom, they all screamed s.e.x. All around me were little girls (when I say little, I mean pre-pubescent) with colorful, lingerie bags dangling jauntily from their arms as if to expressively say to society, "I'm a woman and proud of it!" when really what it said to me was, "Please, accept me. If I dress like women are obviously supposed to dress, will you just love me?". Now, I know there's a market out there for lingerie...but it should not hinge on the Hello Kitty, velcro wallet of a twelve year old girl! (Ok, ok I'll step down from my soapbox now).
 Funny thing is, I remember being the same age and giving into the same kind of trap. I'll never forget when I got my first off-the-shoulder shirt. I was barely 13, flat as a Texas plain, and awkward (hey, it was middle school), but oh man...I thought I was smokin' in that top! Surely I would be wanted now, no one could compete with my purple and white stunner of a shirt! I felt completely liberated and what made it even better? It was from the junior's section. Oh my word, I thought I had reached the peak of womanhood! Thank God (literally), I was seriously wrong. But why is it that instead of using our thoughts and actions to put value into our existence as women, we use our bodies instead? Why is it that I felt more emotional gratification by wearing that top than I ever did when spending time alone with God? Even though that was years ago, I realize now that I was searching for the same thing we all search for as women (heck, as people): acceptance. I felt what the world considered as "pretty" and I liked it, I craved it. Oh and in case you're wondering, that beloved, purple and white top was quickly returned (along with my newfound, "grownup" swagger) by my mother...who I swore that because of that, I'd hate her forever...but, I didn't. In fact, in time, it made me love her all the more:) Bottom line on that little spiel: Ladies, don't lower your standards in the attempt to raise an eyebrow. It's not worth it.

Going back to the Disney princess ideals. When you were little, what did your dream wedding look like? What did your groom look like? Was he dark and rugged, or was he more of a California surfer dude? For me, I idolized the movie, Beauty and the Beast, which to this day, is still my favorite Disney movie. Any man (er, beast?) that would give a woman an entire library all to herself, complete with a moving ladder is my kind of man! That, plus the fact that he turns into a wildly handsome, blue-eyed prince made my little heart swell even more...it still does! Husbands/future husbands, take note: women don't want lingerie (and yes, we know you're buying that for you because if we wanted it, we'd buy it ourselves!), we want romance. Remember, that wonderful, mysterious word? Oh and future husband, whoever you are...if you somehow end up reading this...I would like that Beauty and the Beast library. I even went ahead and pinned a architectural plan on Pinterest just for you!;)

If there's one thing I've learned thus far along my journey, it's this: I'll never be a perfect person, I'll never be a perfect woman, I'll never have legs like Heidi Klum, or the airbrushed curves of a Kardashian...but here's the thing: that is O.K. You know why? He sees past all of that. God is able to gently, lovingly peer into the innermost part of who we are as women, who we are as people. He sees that tender, unique part of us that longs, aches to just. be. loved. So the next time you put yourself up against the likes of a Chanel model...remember God sees to the heart of the matter and He values you for what your heart looks like, not your face.

So is it possible to have a pure, sweet (Disney/Hollywood/is this for real?) kind of romance in the sex-obsessed world we live in? Absolutely. BUT it does not come without trials and difficulties. Purity and romance are two things that have to be valiantly fought for and like anything worth having, they're not achieved overnight. It's a constant, daily, (sometimes messy) struggle to remain pure in heart, body, and mind and believe you me, it is not encouraged by society, but you know what? It's worth it.
 Now, for some reason the definition of purity has been manipulated over the years. Most girls now think that purity is just another word for perfection and because of past feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, they don't even want to go near the subject. Let me set the record straight, ladies: YOU ARE WORTHY OF PURITY. It's not an unattainable goal and it's not some sort of snotty, Biblical club, it's the acceptance of the freedom that is found in the very heart of God Himself.
  Now, freedom, I bet you've never heard freedom and purity in the same sentence (I hadn't either), but guess what...the literal definition of purity is, "freedom from contamination". FREEDOM. I think most people think that purity is some kind of vaulted, stuffy, moralistic ideal that is only attainable if you own a pair of cast-iron, lock and key bra and panties...wrong. Purity has way more to do with than just your body...but that's a whole 'nother story! I highly suggest reading "Authentic Beauty" by Leslie Ludy if you're still curious...and I hope you are!

 I say all of this to say that now more than ever, I've realized that in order for a man (or anyone else in my life, for that matter) to love me, I have to secure myself in the love of God first. Without it, I will never be able to receive or reciprocate any kind of love, what a tragedy that would be! Did you know that love is mentioned over 9,000 times in the Bible! NINE THOUSAND. So you see, we have nine thousand reasons as to why we are worthy of romance, worthy of freedom(purity), and worthy of acceptance, no matter our pasts. If we weren't, then why would God ever set those deep-rooted longings upon our tender, feminine hearts in the first place?

Ladies (and gentlemen, if you're still here!), from one human to another, if you got anything out of this message, I hope it was this: God loves you. He sees you. He wants you. It doesn't matter where you come from, it doesn't matter where you've been, and it doesn't matter the mistakes you've made! I know you're thinking, yeah, yeah...preach, preach....blah blah blah, but I'm serious. In fact, I'm positive of His love for you and me because He says so Himself over 9,000 times. He is full of forgiveness, full of grace, and full of unwavering mercy [Ephesians 2:4-5]. I want you to bask in that today. Really, truly, bask in it. Drink it all in! And ladies, I have a special task for you that I want you to join me in; let's memorize Proverbs 31 and Psalm 36:5 together. Write them on a sticky note and post it on your bathroom mirror, in your car, wherever you spend a great amount of time. Remind yourself of the love Jesus has for you and know that no matter your age, your marital status, or what society says...you are worthy.

Lots of love and virtual hugs,
ME

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates." -Proverbs 31:10-31

"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness, to the skies." -Psalm 36:5

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. 
You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us." 

Where You lead, I will follow...

For those of you who are Carole King or Gilmore Girls fans (in either case, we should definitely be best friends), you probably recognize this entry title. "Where You Lead" is probably one of my favorite songs of all time, or at least one of my favorite Carole King songs anyway. It's funny because I try to never be too philosophical when I listen to music (mostly to avoid being one of those snobby, know-it-all connoisseurs), but also because music is an escape for me. I don't have to think, I just listen and that's perfectly ok. Music takes me to a whole other existence, beyond what is and what was and for a few moments, I can be completely lost in the melodies and harmonies; But for whatever reason, this song hit a new chord tonight (haha, sorry couldn't help myself with the corny attempt at a music pun).

 Now, to give you a little background on my life as of late...it's been a little chaotic to say the least. I feel like a professional plate juggler between work, school, and everything else I have going on. These past few weeks have brought along a roller coaster of emotions (mostly about school/career plans). I worry constantly about the future...constantly. My momma has always said that's been my biggest obstacle: worrying. ANYWAY, all of this to say that as I was searching (read, scouring) the internet earlier tonight for internship/job opportunities, the lyrics, "where you lead...I will follow" randomly came to mind. Well, I shouldn't say randomly, because I know it was a God-thing. I suddenly realized that in all of my frenzy/panic/worry/anxiety, I'd left out the most important part of the equation...Him. I wasn't following, I was pushing my way to the steering wheel, wanting so desperately to control my own life. Well, see that's the thing: it's not my life and for some reason, I can't get that through my stubborn head. Why is it that in life, it's so easy to follow the paths of others and yet the One path that I truly want to emulate seems so...elusive? I know the elusiveness is not Him, it's me, but I still get so frustrated. A part of me wants for there to be neon arrows and signs saying, "Mary Elizabeth! Take this path, this is where you should be!" and yet, another part of me (somewhat) enjoys the mystery of life. Sometimes, the lazy, human nature part of me doesn't want to search, I just want God to be right there, I don't want to have to actually make the attempt to search for Him...but where is the fun in that? I've felt so complacent lately, just going through the day-to-day motions, not really content, but not discontent either which is a terrible place to be. I would much rather hate or love than feel nothing at all, that's scary to me.

 As I really sat down (on my bathroom floor, mind you) and really listened to the song, I felt so comforted. I realized that even though it's hard, even though I fail often and massively, and even though it's scary, this journey we're all on is so much more fulfilling if we're willing to leave it all and follow. Now, please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying you have to reject society and move to some desert land to follow God, He just wants you to follow Him where you are; high, low, in-between jobs, struggling to make it; He doesn't care, He just wants you. That's a little scary, isn't it? It is to me, especially when I have to put my entire future in His hands (even though He's already got it).

 So you see, understanding can come from the most unexpected places. From Carole King songs, to lunch with an old friend, or even in the eyes of a stranger. And isn't it those moments that are the ones worth living for? I don't want to just live in the big moments, but instead live also in the ones that usually go unnoticed; the quiet nights spent at home, or the evening walks in the gentle company of lightning bugs and summer air.

Where He leads, I will [grow, mess-up, fail, rejoice, cry, laugh], and most importantly, follow...

Until next time...

ME

Seasons.

"Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many."

Though I've heard different variations of this quote over this years, for some reason, this one really stood out. This may sound silly/crazy, but when I'm in the car by myself, I pour my heart out to God. It's really the only 'quiet time' I get during the day. I talk to Him, I pray (with my eyes on the road, of course!), and I...complain. I realized that today as I was driving, every word that exited my mouth was a complaint. Then, I started to think about all of those who were never given the opportunity to live in today. I got angry at myself...for trying to be so optimistically introspective. In that moment, I wanted more than anything to be selfish, I wanted to be self-seeking, I wanted to be all about me. Yuck! That "humanness" I mentioned last time was coming out again and it was u.g.l.y. As I went about my day, I tried to counter each negative with a positive. I know, I know, I know that God does not put us where He cannot reach us, but oh my gosh, that's so hard to hold onto when you want to be negative. That ugly part of me wanted to have something to complain about when in reality, there's so much to be thankful, so much goodness just waiting to be discovered. 

 Now, I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I really got on my own nerves with this whole positive/negative countering thing. I never want to be cliche and I definitely never want to be one of those unrealistically optimistic people. We all know that one person who is constantly chipper, constantly talking about how wonderful life is. You know the ones you just want to look at and say, "Are you for real?". Now don't get me wrong, I love talking about how wonderful life is and what a blessing it is (because it is), but I also realize that what we need more than anything is to be real with each other, to be real with ourselves, and to be real with God. If life were always wonderful, if it always went according to our plans, there would be no need for dependence on each other and even worse, there would be no need for dependence on God. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm realizing to be thankful for not only the positives, but the negatives as well. Ugh, that is so hard to even type! Will I still complain about being stressed? Yes. Will I still complain about people that get on my nerves? Yes. Will I still complain about getting out of bed in the morning? Yes. After all, I'm only human, but you know what? In my weakness, He is stronger. If we let Him, God can turn our complaints into praises, our tears into joy, and our hatred and resentment into love. It's a messy process, but isn't life messy to begin with?:) 

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is found in Ecclesiastes 3. It says:

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heavens:

A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.A time to kill, and a time to heal.A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather them together. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate. A time of war, and a time of peace."

So you see, there is a season, a meaning, and a time for everything. The things you complain about today, could be the very things you're giving praise for tomorrow. Never think for a moment that your life is spinning out of control or that you can't handle another day. That is a lie. God will never, ever, ever forsake you. If God can keep each the planets spinning in orbit at a very precise tilt, then I'm pretty sure...no, I'm positive, He can hold your life together. Remember, for everything, there is a season. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Don't give in to the negativity. Things only last for a season and when nights seem long keep in mind that His joy comes with the morning:)

Until next time...

ME

Here. There. Where?

What are we doing here? I don't mean that hypothetically, I mean it literally. What is life? What is it that we desire most? Lately, I've really been trying to decipher purpose from pressure. At this stage of my own life, I feel pulled (more than ever) in a million different directions. It's scary and comforting (but mostly scary) to know that one decision alone has the ability to affect the rest. You know what comforts me the most though? It's knowing that no matter what, God is faithful. He is Strong and He is Sure...and that's all that really matters. Even though I waver like a fragile, delicate blossom against the wind, He never does.

 For the longest time, knowing that never satisfied me. I kept thinking, "Well...yeah, I know that, but...". Then I realized...there are no "buts", there are no half-hearted "ok's", there's just faith. And if you ask me, faith is probably the scariest five letter word in the dictionary. It's so simple and yet so...not. I remember in the cry-fest known as, "A Walk to Remember", the characters talk about love being like the wind, unable to be seen, but palpably felt. I feel basically the same way about faith. I cannot physically see Who I am trusting in, but I can feel Him...in the most unexpected ways. Like when I'm driving around with the sunroof down and the sun is gently tickling my skin, or whenever I'm out in nature, away from the business of life. I feel God in those moments. In the simplest, seemingly mundane moments, I feel His presence there and it's not in a cheesy or expected way...and that's what makes it so wonderful and so beautiful. It's a feeling that is beyond me. I can't explain it honestly, and sometimes there's moments where I want to feel Him there with me so badly...and I don't. Now, that's not to say He's not there, because He is, but faith is not a condition dealt with by your head...it's dealt with by your heart. I've found that the more my flesh searches for peace and consolation, the less I find it...and that's where faith comes in.

  I'm learning more and more that my relationship with Jesus has nothing to do with religion...talk about liberation! Growing up, I knew Jesus died for me, I knew He wanted a relationship with me, and I knew He loved me...but, you see, that was just the problem. I knew everything, but understood nothing. As I grew, I continued to go along with the whole "church" thing, becoming almost robotic in my approach to faith. I was a "good, Christian girl"...and I figured that was enough, but it's not. We weren't put on this Earth to be good people (stick with me here...), I mean yes, that's always nice to be thought of as "good", but we were ultimately put on this Earth to make a difference, to leave an indelible mark...and not for our own good. In fact, our lives have absolutely nothing to do with us and until we understand that, we'll never be able to understand God's love. I've only recently realized it myself and that is not to say I completely (or even moderately) understand it by any means. Yes, I may be "living" my life, but it's not really mine. I did not give myself life, God did and He has the ability to take it away. This has been a really hard concept for me to grasp because as humans, we want to be in control, of everything. Our bodies, our lives, our finances, our loved ones...the list continues. But I'm realizing more and more that the more I try and control my life, the less I want to actually live it. Life is about letting go. Letting go of the past, letting go of the present, and letting go of the future...it was never ours anyway. It's a daily, no minutely, struggle to just let go, but in the midst of the struggle, there are some beautiful moments...and LOTS of laughable moments. You see, the more I learn about Him, the more I learn about who I am and sometimes, that's painful because I see just how human I really am. But in the midst of all of my ugly "humanness", He is right there loving, guiding, and pulling me even closer to Him...

Until next time...

ME