I'm needy.

You know what I don't understand? Why the term, 'needy' is used negatively. You never hear someone use the say 'in need' or 'needy' in a positive way. Think about it. We help 'needy' people, those 'in need', that person is 'needy', this person is 'needy'. Why is it that we take such pride in helping needy people and yet we would never, ever want to classify our own selves as needy? Here's the thing...we're all needy. We all long for something, for someone to connect to and while yes, our needs may not look like those that the world considers lowly, we all have needs and most of the time when you dig deep down to the roots, they're the same. Never think for a minute that you're any different than the homeless man begging on the street corner or the young woman desperately trying to seek shelter in a relationship, because you're not and neither am I. Inside each of us, beats a beautifully vulnerable heart that longs for the exact same thing. The comfort and fulfillment that love brings and the longing for being a part of something bigger than ourselves. 

And you know what I'm finding along the way? I'm realizing more and more that it's ok to be needy, it's ok to need God, it's ok to need people, it's ok to ask for support and guidance. It's ok. Even though we live in a world that screams, begs, and beckons for us to be independent, at our core...we're not meant to be. We were created to long for, created to desire, created to need. And why is that we're so bent on the need to discover ourselves, when the very foundation of what everything we'll ever need is wrapped up in who He is?

So yes, I'm needy and I'm ok with that...and I hope I always am. And little by little, God is showing me not to help people because they're needy, but because they're people.


xoxo, me

Song of the day.

For those of you that adore music (and c'mon, who doesn't?), I hope you enjoy this cover as much as I do. The fact that it's acoustic AND it's the theme song from one of my favorite movies of all time (Breakfast at Tiffany's) just sends me over the moon (pun intended). So dreamy. If you haven't already heard of them, do yourself a favor and check out The Honey Trees. FANTASTIC.

The heart of the matter.

Recently, I was talking with some friends about regrets. Things we wished we hadn't said, things we wish we hadn't done, things we wish we had thought twice about. During our conversation, it occurred to me, that we as humans carry around enormous burdens of regret, disappointment, fear, and the longing to go back; To undo things, to unsay words we said in anger or fear. Whether it's little occurrences, or large and life-altering situations, we all have these little, hidden places in our lives that aren't so shiny, or pretty, or easy and you know what bothers me about that? Somewhere along the way, we get convinced by society, our friends, and hey let's face it, our churches, that God can't use that. God can only use the pretty, already 'perfect' situations, why would He even bother with the messy, ugly, and painful parts of our lives? No one wants to see that! We hinge our respect for ourselves on what others think of our lives. If others ridicule us, we ridicule ourselves, and then it becomes one big, painful and blistering cycle of regret and self-hate.

These conversations made me realize one thing: we have forgotten how much God loves us. We get so hung up in the rules and regulations of religion that we have completely overlooked the fact that His love is the only thing that can ever exceed anything we experience on this earth. It eclipses our lives here and transcends into eternity. God loves you. Do you understand that? He loves you. And it's not because of anything you say or do, it doesn't hinge on your behavior. God's love is like nothing we can ever understand on this side of the universe. When you walk outside and look at the night sky, glittering with stars and galaxies, do you realize that He breathed that into existence that for you? Hard to grasp, but the picture of that is breathtaking in every way. 

I guess what I'm trying to reiterate, is that I wish that people understood just how much they're loved. It doesn't matter what you've done, it doesn't matter where you've been, and it doesn't matter how many times you've failed. He loves you. You know how a new mother looks at her child? That look of complete bliss and satisfaction and love and wonder...that's how God sees you every single day of your life. He doesn't see the stains from our mistakes, He sees a heart that's desperate to be loved and accepted. He sees you wholly and completely and He sees past your outward appearance, He sees your heart and the beauty that lies within. 

I hear people say all the time, "I'm living life with no regrets", but let's be honest with ourselves: that's impossible. There are always going to be moments you're not proud of and things you wished had never happened in the first place, but I want you to realize that God goes beyond that. He doesn't judge, He doesn't point fingers, He doesn't talk about us behind our back. He's not like us, He doesn't have our emotions or our tendency to judge critically and immediately. He embraces us, He longs for us to trust Him, He sent His son just so we could live in the freedom of a promised eternity.

My prayer for anyone struggling with regret and shame over your past is that you would realize that you are not your past. You are valued, you are worth more than you can ever imagine, and you were given the life that you're living for a reason. Don't let your shame and regret of things past make you into someone that God never meant for you to be. Forgive the ones that hurt you, forgive yourself, and know that you can never, ever do anything that would make God love you any less. Life is messy, it's painful, and sometimes, it's just plain confusing, but don't think for one minute that God can't use those parts of your life. He loves taking the messy and the painful and the confusing and turning them into something beautiful beyond measure. Some people say you can't see God, but look around you. Look at the clouds, look at the flower and trees and birds, breathe deeply and rest in the fact that all that you see, was created out of love for you. Bask in that. 

Leave your shame behind. Leave your fear behind. Leave your self-hatred behind. You're forgiven. You're free from your past. You're free to live. Realize that regrets are inevitable, but declaring freedom from them is a choice. Above everything, know that you are loved. 

xoxo, me

Psalm 103: 8-12

Exodus.

'It made me feel like even though a million things are different in my life than they were then, like email and Gore-Tex and Zone Bars and dishwashers, some things are not so different, like bugs and yeast and the impulse to worship. There's still a big story, disguised as regular life, and the big story is about love and death and God, and about bread and wine and olives, about forgiveness and hunger and freedom, about all the things we dream about, and all the things we handle and hold. Exodus was the Wild West, lawless and risky, and it's the cities we live in, bursting with life and meaning, and someday, when the future brings a world we can't even imagine now, Exodus will be there, in the songs and sounds and in the flesh and bones of a people who still wander and yearn for home.' 

 It's amazing the power words have over us, isn't it? This particular quote is from one of my favorite books, 'Cold Tangerines'. In the book, the author (Shauna Niequist) points out how the simplicities of life are what threads it all together. So many times, I find myself in a mixed up jumble of what I think my life should be about...only to realize that I've once again missed its' meaning completely. Life is not about promotions, it's not about events, it's not about achievements, it's not about our feelings, it's not about our futures, it's not about what we think it should be about. I've come to realize that life is about blue sky days and rainy nights, it's about riding your shopping cart down the aisles like you did when you were a kid, it's about laughing for no reason and crying because you realize all over again how sweet love is, it's about driving around aimlessly just so you can roll down the windows and sing at the top of your lungs, it's about knowing that at any moment something wonderful can eclipse the pain of fear and worry. One thing life will never be about: us.

We struggle through our daily routines, saying that our lives are "complicated", when in reality, we're the ones that make it that way. Life, at its purest form, is sweet and fragrant and rich and intoxicating, but it's never complicated. In fact, it's simple. And I'm not talking about the cycle of life itself, I'm talking about the ins and outs, the day-to-day functions...and dysfunctions. Our once pure emotions get tangled in our small-minded human reasoning...and that's where it gets complicated. God didn't create our hearts so we could puncture them with self-inflicted pressure and expectation. We weren't created to glorify ourselves, we weren't created to figure out the meaning of life, we weren't created to reason until we're blue in the face, we were created to live. We were created to hold those close to us in good times and bad, to love people past their beliefs and actions, to play in the rain barefooted, to bake chocolate chip cookies exactly at midnight just because. Life isn't meant to be scrutinized, it's meant to be lived. And not because of the "YOLO" craze, not because our pastors and ministers tell us we should in order to feel "fulfilled", and not because it makes sense, but because at the very core of each of our lives, there is an overwhelming desire to be a part of Something bigger than ourself.

I hope I never understand the true meaning of life. I don't want to. You and I are not here to understand, we're here to love and worship, and explore, and go, and do, and hunger and thirst for things that cannot be fed by the material world. I want to constantly be hungry and not for food, but for what I cannot see; love, hope, mercy, grace, forgiveness, joy, goodness and I never want to filled, I want to always hunger for those things. To me, that's the best kind of hunger there is, the hunger to be poured out daily for the glory of the One who knew us before we knew ourselves. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I wasted it on doing what I thought was living. I don't want it to be a monochromatic reel of tasks, and wasted opportunities, and unspoken words of forgiveness. I want it to vibrant. 

My prayer for now is not that I understand, but that I realize that with each breath given to me, life is beyond my reasoning, it's beyond my control, it's beyond what I can comprehend as a mere being. The more I realize that, the more I realize that I am not meant to go on this journey alone, and in turn, I become even more dependent on the One who gave me breath, who gave me a generous coffee colored birthmark on my left arm, the One who knew that I would greatly struggle with anxiety and depression, and the One who created me with a great need to hug and nurture those around me. Independence is greatly valued in today's world, but I don't want it. The older I get, the more I want to depend on Jesus...and I hope that never changes and I also hope I never forget that life has nothing to do with me.

xoxo, me

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." ++Psalm 63:3