Seasons.

"Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many."

Though I've heard different variations of this quote over this years, for some reason, this one really stood out. This may sound silly/crazy, but when I'm in the car by myself, I pour my heart out to God. It's really the only 'quiet time' I get during the day. I talk to Him, I pray (with my eyes on the road, of course!), and I...complain. I realized that today as I was driving, every word that exited my mouth was a complaint. Then, I started to think about all of those who were never given the opportunity to live in today. I got angry at myself...for trying to be so optimistically introspective. In that moment, I wanted more than anything to be selfish, I wanted to be self-seeking, I wanted to be all about me. Yuck! That "humanness" I mentioned last time was coming out again and it was u.g.l.y. As I went about my day, I tried to counter each negative with a positive. I know, I know, I know that God does not put us where He cannot reach us, but oh my gosh, that's so hard to hold onto when you want to be negative. That ugly part of me wanted to have something to complain about when in reality, there's so much to be thankful, so much goodness just waiting to be discovered. 

 Now, I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I really got on my own nerves with this whole positive/negative countering thing. I never want to be cliche and I definitely never want to be one of those unrealistically optimistic people. We all know that one person who is constantly chipper, constantly talking about how wonderful life is. You know the ones you just want to look at and say, "Are you for real?". Now don't get me wrong, I love talking about how wonderful life is and what a blessing it is (because it is), but I also realize that what we need more than anything is to be real with each other, to be real with ourselves, and to be real with God. If life were always wonderful, if it always went according to our plans, there would be no need for dependence on each other and even worse, there would be no need for dependence on God. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm realizing to be thankful for not only the positives, but the negatives as well. Ugh, that is so hard to even type! Will I still complain about being stressed? Yes. Will I still complain about people that get on my nerves? Yes. Will I still complain about getting out of bed in the morning? Yes. After all, I'm only human, but you know what? In my weakness, He is stronger. If we let Him, God can turn our complaints into praises, our tears into joy, and our hatred and resentment into love. It's a messy process, but isn't life messy to begin with?:) 

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is found in Ecclesiastes 3. It says:

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heavens:

A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.A time to kill, and a time to heal.A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather them together. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate. A time of war, and a time of peace."

So you see, there is a season, a meaning, and a time for everything. The things you complain about today, could be the very things you're giving praise for tomorrow. Never think for a moment that your life is spinning out of control or that you can't handle another day. That is a lie. God will never, ever, ever forsake you. If God can keep each the planets spinning in orbit at a very precise tilt, then I'm pretty sure...no, I'm positive, He can hold your life together. Remember, for everything, there is a season. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Don't give in to the negativity. Things only last for a season and when nights seem long keep in mind that His joy comes with the morning:)

Until next time...

ME

Here. There. Where?

What are we doing here? I don't mean that hypothetically, I mean it literally. What is life? What is it that we desire most? Lately, I've really been trying to decipher purpose from pressure. At this stage of my own life, I feel pulled (more than ever) in a million different directions. It's scary and comforting (but mostly scary) to know that one decision alone has the ability to affect the rest. You know what comforts me the most though? It's knowing that no matter what, God is faithful. He is Strong and He is Sure...and that's all that really matters. Even though I waver like a fragile, delicate blossom against the wind, He never does.

 For the longest time, knowing that never satisfied me. I kept thinking, "Well...yeah, I know that, but...". Then I realized...there are no "buts", there are no half-hearted "ok's", there's just faith. And if you ask me, faith is probably the scariest five letter word in the dictionary. It's so simple and yet so...not. I remember in the cry-fest known as, "A Walk to Remember", the characters talk about love being like the wind, unable to be seen, but palpably felt. I feel basically the same way about faith. I cannot physically see Who I am trusting in, but I can feel Him...in the most unexpected ways. Like when I'm driving around with the sunroof down and the sun is gently tickling my skin, or whenever I'm out in nature, away from the business of life. I feel God in those moments. In the simplest, seemingly mundane moments, I feel His presence there and it's not in a cheesy or expected way...and that's what makes it so wonderful and so beautiful. It's a feeling that is beyond me. I can't explain it honestly, and sometimes there's moments where I want to feel Him there with me so badly...and I don't. Now, that's not to say He's not there, because He is, but faith is not a condition dealt with by your head...it's dealt with by your heart. I've found that the more my flesh searches for peace and consolation, the less I find it...and that's where faith comes in.

  I'm learning more and more that my relationship with Jesus has nothing to do with religion...talk about liberation! Growing up, I knew Jesus died for me, I knew He wanted a relationship with me, and I knew He loved me...but, you see, that was just the problem. I knew everything, but understood nothing. As I grew, I continued to go along with the whole "church" thing, becoming almost robotic in my approach to faith. I was a "good, Christian girl"...and I figured that was enough, but it's not. We weren't put on this Earth to be good people (stick with me here...), I mean yes, that's always nice to be thought of as "good", but we were ultimately put on this Earth to make a difference, to leave an indelible mark...and not for our own good. In fact, our lives have absolutely nothing to do with us and until we understand that, we'll never be able to understand God's love. I've only recently realized it myself and that is not to say I completely (or even moderately) understand it by any means. Yes, I may be "living" my life, but it's not really mine. I did not give myself life, God did and He has the ability to take it away. This has been a really hard concept for me to grasp because as humans, we want to be in control, of everything. Our bodies, our lives, our finances, our loved ones...the list continues. But I'm realizing more and more that the more I try and control my life, the less I want to actually live it. Life is about letting go. Letting go of the past, letting go of the present, and letting go of the future...it was never ours anyway. It's a daily, no minutely, struggle to just let go, but in the midst of the struggle, there are some beautiful moments...and LOTS of laughable moments. You see, the more I learn about Him, the more I learn about who I am and sometimes, that's painful because I see just how human I really am. But in the midst of all of my ugly "humanness", He is right there loving, guiding, and pulling me even closer to Him...

Until next time...

ME