Here. There. Where?

What are we doing here? I don't mean that hypothetically, I mean it literally. What is life? What is it that we desire most? Lately, I've really been trying to decipher purpose from pressure. At this stage of my own life, I feel pulled (more than ever) in a million different directions. It's scary and comforting (but mostly scary) to know that one decision alone has the ability to affect the rest. You know what comforts me the most though? It's knowing that no matter what, God is faithful. He is Strong and He is Sure...and that's all that really matters. Even though I waver like a fragile, delicate blossom against the wind, He never does.

 For the longest time, knowing that never satisfied me. I kept thinking, "Well...yeah, I know that, but...". Then I realized...there are no "buts", there are no half-hearted "ok's", there's just faith. And if you ask me, faith is probably the scariest five letter word in the dictionary. It's so simple and yet so...not. I remember in the cry-fest known as, "A Walk to Remember", the characters talk about love being like the wind, unable to be seen, but palpably felt. I feel basically the same way about faith. I cannot physically see Who I am trusting in, but I can feel Him...in the most unexpected ways. Like when I'm driving around with the sunroof down and the sun is gently tickling my skin, or whenever I'm out in nature, away from the business of life. I feel God in those moments. In the simplest, seemingly mundane moments, I feel His presence there and it's not in a cheesy or expected way...and that's what makes it so wonderful and so beautiful. It's a feeling that is beyond me. I can't explain it honestly, and sometimes there's moments where I want to feel Him there with me so badly...and I don't. Now, that's not to say He's not there, because He is, but faith is not a condition dealt with by your head...it's dealt with by your heart. I've found that the more my flesh searches for peace and consolation, the less I find it...and that's where faith comes in.

  I'm learning more and more that my relationship with Jesus has nothing to do with religion...talk about liberation! Growing up, I knew Jesus died for me, I knew He wanted a relationship with me, and I knew He loved me...but, you see, that was just the problem. I knew everything, but understood nothing. As I grew, I continued to go along with the whole "church" thing, becoming almost robotic in my approach to faith. I was a "good, Christian girl"...and I figured that was enough, but it's not. We weren't put on this Earth to be good people (stick with me here...), I mean yes, that's always nice to be thought of as "good", but we were ultimately put on this Earth to make a difference, to leave an indelible mark...and not for our own good. In fact, our lives have absolutely nothing to do with us and until we understand that, we'll never be able to understand God's love. I've only recently realized it myself and that is not to say I completely (or even moderately) understand it by any means. Yes, I may be "living" my life, but it's not really mine. I did not give myself life, God did and He has the ability to take it away. This has been a really hard concept for me to grasp because as humans, we want to be in control, of everything. Our bodies, our lives, our finances, our loved ones...the list continues. But I'm realizing more and more that the more I try and control my life, the less I want to actually live it. Life is about letting go. Letting go of the past, letting go of the present, and letting go of the future...it was never ours anyway. It's a daily, no minutely, struggle to just let go, but in the midst of the struggle, there are some beautiful moments...and LOTS of laughable moments. You see, the more I learn about Him, the more I learn about who I am and sometimes, that's painful because I see just how human I really am. But in the midst of all of my ugly "humanness", He is right there loving, guiding, and pulling me even closer to Him...

Until next time...

ME