Exodus.

'It made me feel like even though a million things are different in my life than they were then, like email and Gore-Tex and Zone Bars and dishwashers, some things are not so different, like bugs and yeast and the impulse to worship. There's still a big story, disguised as regular life, and the big story is about love and death and God, and about bread and wine and olives, about forgiveness and hunger and freedom, about all the things we dream about, and all the things we handle and hold. Exodus was the Wild West, lawless and risky, and it's the cities we live in, bursting with life and meaning, and someday, when the future brings a world we can't even imagine now, Exodus will be there, in the songs and sounds and in the flesh and bones of a people who still wander and yearn for home.' 

 It's amazing the power words have over us, isn't it? This particular quote is from one of my favorite books, 'Cold Tangerines'. In the book, the author (Shauna Niequist) points out how the simplicities of life are what threads it all together. So many times, I find myself in a mixed up jumble of what I think my life should be about...only to realize that I've once again missed its' meaning completely. Life is not about promotions, it's not about events, it's not about achievements, it's not about our feelings, it's not about our futures, it's not about what we think it should be about. I've come to realize that life is about blue sky days and rainy nights, it's about riding your shopping cart down the aisles like you did when you were a kid, it's about laughing for no reason and crying because you realize all over again how sweet love is, it's about driving around aimlessly just so you can roll down the windows and sing at the top of your lungs, it's about knowing that at any moment something wonderful can eclipse the pain of fear and worry. One thing life will never be about: us.

We struggle through our daily routines, saying that our lives are "complicated", when in reality, we're the ones that make it that way. Life, at its purest form, is sweet and fragrant and rich and intoxicating, but it's never complicated. In fact, it's simple. And I'm not talking about the cycle of life itself, I'm talking about the ins and outs, the day-to-day functions...and dysfunctions. Our once pure emotions get tangled in our small-minded human reasoning...and that's where it gets complicated. God didn't create our hearts so we could puncture them with self-inflicted pressure and expectation. We weren't created to glorify ourselves, we weren't created to figure out the meaning of life, we weren't created to reason until we're blue in the face, we were created to live. We were created to hold those close to us in good times and bad, to love people past their beliefs and actions, to play in the rain barefooted, to bake chocolate chip cookies exactly at midnight just because. Life isn't meant to be scrutinized, it's meant to be lived. And not because of the "YOLO" craze, not because our pastors and ministers tell us we should in order to feel "fulfilled", and not because it makes sense, but because at the very core of each of our lives, there is an overwhelming desire to be a part of Something bigger than ourself.

I hope I never understand the true meaning of life. I don't want to. You and I are not here to understand, we're here to love and worship, and explore, and go, and do, and hunger and thirst for things that cannot be fed by the material world. I want to constantly be hungry and not for food, but for what I cannot see; love, hope, mercy, grace, forgiveness, joy, goodness and I never want to filled, I want to always hunger for those things. To me, that's the best kind of hunger there is, the hunger to be poured out daily for the glory of the One who knew us before we knew ourselves. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I wasted it on doing what I thought was living. I don't want it to be a monochromatic reel of tasks, and wasted opportunities, and unspoken words of forgiveness. I want it to vibrant. 

My prayer for now is not that I understand, but that I realize that with each breath given to me, life is beyond my reasoning, it's beyond my control, it's beyond what I can comprehend as a mere being. The more I realize that, the more I realize that I am not meant to go on this journey alone, and in turn, I become even more dependent on the One who gave me breath, who gave me a generous coffee colored birthmark on my left arm, the One who knew that I would greatly struggle with anxiety and depression, and the One who created me with a great need to hug and nurture those around me. Independence is greatly valued in today's world, but I don't want it. The older I get, the more I want to depend on Jesus...and I hope that never changes and I also hope I never forget that life has nothing to do with me.

xoxo, me

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." ++Psalm 63:3