The scariest word of all.

Oh boy. To be completely honest with you, this hurts to even confess. I've been going back and forth with myself for nearly a week now on whether or not to post this, but because I've found it to be intensely relevant for pretty much anyone with a beating heart, I will.

Forgiveness; n. -the action or process of being forgiven.

 Now, that is a very scary word. Scarier than any horror movie, if you ask me. It just seems so...intimidating, so beyond me, and besides, what does it even mean? What does it look like?

Just this past Monday night, I found myself feeling flustered all over again at people that I was sure I had "forgiven". Why was I still feeling the exact same way about them that I had felt so long ago? I thought I had grown past all of that, as painful as it was, but that ugly, human nature part of me seemed ever so eager to remind exactly why I shouldn't love them (as I am loved), and more importantly, why I shouldn't forgive them.

 At first, I was just as eager to side with that part of me, the part that wanted to be angry, the part that wanted to feel validated, the part that wanted walk in unforgiveness. I started a mental reel of all the things that had hurt me, wounded me, crushed me. The longer it got, the angrier I got...and then it hit. It felt like a gigantic, larger-than-life wave had just washed over me and reduced me to tears. Mournful, broken tears. 'What was that?', I wondered. It felt like I had been turned upside down emotionally. It paralyzed me. After a few moments of complete confusion, I realized what it was...I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want any of it. I didn't want the anger, I didn't want the bitterness, and I didn't want the unforgiveness. I suddenly felt breathless, helpless, almost panic stricken because I wasn't sure I'd know who I was without it. For so long, I had (unknowingly, really) let this seed of unforgiveness become bigger, and bigger, and bigger and before I knew it, it had overtaken the most tender part of me.

 As I sobbed at the ugliness of my attitude, I begged and pleaded with God to take it away. All of it, the unkind thoughts towards them, the bitterness of things past, and all remnants of (here it is again), unforgiveness. I know this might sound completely silly, but in that moment, I felt so utterly raw, so human, and so very vulnerable. I was handing over the most wounded part of me to Someone I can't even see and it. was. scary. Who was I without it? I had let it reign over me for so long that I wasn't even sure that I could cope without it.

 I think what I realized more than anything was the fact that, I had been forgiven by the very God of forgiveness and yet here I was, clawing to stay in a place of unforgiveness and even worse, denying the very heart of who He is to those around me. As much as I didn't want it anymore, that all too human part of me was refusing to let go of it. Why, why, WHY is it so hard to forgive sometimes? Why is it that in moments of clarity, that sneaky, bitter feeling of something past sneaks in and reminds us why we're angry in the first place?

 The more I sobbed, the more I realized that it's because of God's forgiveness that I'm even able to forgive in the first place. I was suddenly able to picture Him saying, "I'll take it for you. I bear the load you cannot handle. I'll take it". I cannot describe to you the tenderness of that moment, but now I know one thing for sure: we are free to forgive because we have been freely forgiven. No strings attached. No uncertainty. No questions. We're forgiven of all our humanness. Completely. Wholly. Totally. Forgiven. Isn't that wonderful? We are free to be, free to live, free to forgive.

 One of my favorite Scriptures is John 10:10 and it says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I realized that for me, this "thief" was a spirit of unforgiveness. It colored my every thought, my every action and yet, left me increasingly empty. It was eating me alive internally, BUT it's only by His grace and mercy that I was able to finally let go and breathe in the fresh, clean air of complete forgiveness. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some super-spiritual, ultra strong, "ideal" Christian...because I'm so not. I'm human. I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. I'm unsure. It's only through the grace of God (literally!) that I'm even able to get up in the morning. My very life depends on Him, which is scary to think about at times, but I have to trust it. I don't want to half-live my life, muddled underneath unrequited feelings, I want life at its fullest and what's even better...is that God Himself wants that for me, too! For all of us!

As a side note, I'll warn you...unlike God's forgiveness towards us, our forgiveness towards each other is not a one-time thing. It's not something you say one time and then go on about your day, because as humans, we're naturally inclined to hold onto stuff, feelings, and emotions. It's a constant decision to say, "God, I'm giving it to you. All of it. I don't want it anymore". It's a (sometimes painful) daily struggle, but it sure is a beautiful process. Which reminds me, did y'all love the how the definition for forgiveness includes the word "process"? I found that to be painfully true. It is a process, sometimes a lifelong one, but ultimately it's worth it. The pain, the fear, the struggle, the uncertainty is worth it.


Whew. That was tough to delve into, but I hope whoever reads this found some relevance and commonality through it. We're human. We mess up. We're unreasonable at times BUT we're freely forgiven. I recently came across the perfect quote (on Pinterest, of course!) and it says this: "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future". Such beautiful words with an even more beautiful meaning...

Xoxo,
ME


"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are My disciples." -John 13:34-35

Can you find Mr. Darcy...in Jersey Shore?, The Day I Stopped Believing in Disney Movies, and other tales of romance.

You know, I realized the other day how often I find myself changing the channel (if ever) I watch TV. From advertisements about burger joints, to Victoria's Secret ads (ick!) (which, by the way...I don't think Victoria has any secrets...she's shown them all!), and even car commercials....they all have one thing in common: sex. Now, before you label me a prude and shut off your computer in disgust, I want to be very clear: I am a prude. Ha, but don't be too quick to label me Amish, I'm simply a normal, 21 year old girl who is fed up with the sex-saturation that has such a firm grip on our society, specifically on the delicate hearts of young women around the world. Why is it that as women, we long to be romanced by Mr. Darcy and yet, we feel the need to dress like the girlfriend of a Jersey Shore character? Why does Hollywood constantly churn out movies that continue to fan the ever-growing flame of the deep, ingrained desire to be loved and longed for and yet tells us to settle for looks instead of depth? In our efforts to seek passion, we've somehow taken a very wrong turn and managed to completely obliterate intimacy and in turn, romance.

Now, what's the first thing to pop into your head when you think of the word, romance? For most (me, included) it seems that it has almost become synonymous with the word, bedroom. Ladies (and gentlemen, too...stay with me!), romance is not the same thing as sex. Let me say that again, romance is not the same thing as sex. The textbook definition for romance is: "a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love". I love that definition, don't you? What girl doesn't love a man who leaves something to the imagination...it's intriguing! But sadly, in today's society, the mystery has disappeared and even worse...the love of mystery has disappeared. As a little girl, I longed for the day when a man would sweep me off my feet (not unlike most Disney story lines) and really, didn't we all? While little boys are busy playing ninjas and army men, little girls are all too content to play house and rock their baby dolls, but somewhere along the way, the differentiation between little girl and woman was horribly twisted. It told us to think that the moment we become teenagers (or maybe even a little before) is the very moment that suddenly, the imagination and longings of our girlhood should be tossed away with our ragged teddy bears and outgrown clothes. We give into the (at first) subtle whispers of society that tell us the romance and wonder we dreamed of as children is nothing but a myth, that it only happens to princesses and even worse, it drives us to feel that we are nothing more than our bodies. As a young woman myself, there have been many times where I've just broken down and said, "God, will I ever love me for me? Will I ever love the way I look?"...but here's the thing: it's never been about me loving myself, it's about me understanding and accepting how much God loves me. As humans, we are never able to "perfectly" love anyone, especially ourselves, but isn't it amazing to think that when God looks at each of us with a love that only He can understand, it literally takes His breath away? I want you to really think about that...the same God that created the Northern Lights and the vast savannas of Africa looks at you and gasps with love and longing. Pretty neat picture, huh?:)

As I was walking through my local mall the other day, I was bombarded on all sides with well, sex (and the nauseating smell of food court fare, which only added to the somewhat out-of-body experience). From huge, larger than life lingerie models posing (very) suggestively, to mannequins (with a 10-inch waist, mind you) decked in frothy looking, bustier tops and little else on bottom, they all screamed s.e.x. All around me were little girls (when I say little, I mean pre-pubescent) with colorful, lingerie bags dangling jauntily from their arms as if to expressively say to society, "I'm a woman and proud of it!" when really what it said to me was, "Please, accept me. If I dress like women are obviously supposed to dress, will you just love me?". Now, I know there's a market out there for lingerie...but it should not hinge on the Hello Kitty, velcro wallet of a twelve year old girl! (Ok, ok I'll step down from my soapbox now).
 Funny thing is, I remember being the same age and giving into the same kind of trap. I'll never forget when I got my first off-the-shoulder shirt. I was barely 13, flat as a Texas plain, and awkward (hey, it was middle school), but oh man...I thought I was smokin' in that top! Surely I would be wanted now, no one could compete with my purple and white stunner of a shirt! I felt completely liberated and what made it even better? It was from the junior's section. Oh my word, I thought I had reached the peak of womanhood! Thank God (literally), I was seriously wrong. But why is it that instead of using our thoughts and actions to put value into our existence as women, we use our bodies instead? Why is it that I felt more emotional gratification by wearing that top than I ever did when spending time alone with God? Even though that was years ago, I realize now that I was searching for the same thing we all search for as women (heck, as people): acceptance. I felt what the world considered as "pretty" and I liked it, I craved it. Oh and in case you're wondering, that beloved, purple and white top was quickly returned (along with my newfound, "grownup" swagger) by my mother...who I swore that because of that, I'd hate her forever...but, I didn't. In fact, in time, it made me love her all the more:) Bottom line on that little spiel: Ladies, don't lower your standards in the attempt to raise an eyebrow. It's not worth it.

Going back to the Disney princess ideals. When you were little, what did your dream wedding look like? What did your groom look like? Was he dark and rugged, or was he more of a California surfer dude? For me, I idolized the movie, Beauty and the Beast, which to this day, is still my favorite Disney movie. Any man (er, beast?) that would give a woman an entire library all to herself, complete with a moving ladder is my kind of man! That, plus the fact that he turns into a wildly handsome, blue-eyed prince made my little heart swell even more...it still does! Husbands/future husbands, take note: women don't want lingerie (and yes, we know you're buying that for you because if we wanted it, we'd buy it ourselves!), we want romance. Remember, that wonderful, mysterious word? Oh and future husband, whoever you are...if you somehow end up reading this...I would like that Beauty and the Beast library. I even went ahead and pinned a architectural plan on Pinterest just for you!;)

If there's one thing I've learned thus far along my journey, it's this: I'll never be a perfect person, I'll never be a perfect woman, I'll never have legs like Heidi Klum, or the airbrushed curves of a Kardashian...but here's the thing: that is O.K. You know why? He sees past all of that. God is able to gently, lovingly peer into the innermost part of who we are as women, who we are as people. He sees that tender, unique part of us that longs, aches to just. be. loved. So the next time you put yourself up against the likes of a Chanel model...remember God sees to the heart of the matter and He values you for what your heart looks like, not your face.

So is it possible to have a pure, sweet (Disney/Hollywood/is this for real?) kind of romance in the sex-obsessed world we live in? Absolutely. BUT it does not come without trials and difficulties. Purity and romance are two things that have to be valiantly fought for and like anything worth having, they're not achieved overnight. It's a constant, daily, (sometimes messy) struggle to remain pure in heart, body, and mind and believe you me, it is not encouraged by society, but you know what? It's worth it.
 Now, for some reason the definition of purity has been manipulated over the years. Most girls now think that purity is just another word for perfection and because of past feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, they don't even want to go near the subject. Let me set the record straight, ladies: YOU ARE WORTHY OF PURITY. It's not an unattainable goal and it's not some sort of snotty, Biblical club, it's the acceptance of the freedom that is found in the very heart of God Himself.
  Now, freedom, I bet you've never heard freedom and purity in the same sentence (I hadn't either), but guess what...the literal definition of purity is, "freedom from contamination". FREEDOM. I think most people think that purity is some kind of vaulted, stuffy, moralistic ideal that is only attainable if you own a pair of cast-iron, lock and key bra and panties...wrong. Purity has way more to do with than just your body...but that's a whole 'nother story! I highly suggest reading "Authentic Beauty" by Leslie Ludy if you're still curious...and I hope you are!

 I say all of this to say that now more than ever, I've realized that in order for a man (or anyone else in my life, for that matter) to love me, I have to secure myself in the love of God first. Without it, I will never be able to receive or reciprocate any kind of love, what a tragedy that would be! Did you know that love is mentioned over 9,000 times in the Bible! NINE THOUSAND. So you see, we have nine thousand reasons as to why we are worthy of romance, worthy of freedom(purity), and worthy of acceptance, no matter our pasts. If we weren't, then why would God ever set those deep-rooted longings upon our tender, feminine hearts in the first place?

Ladies (and gentlemen, if you're still here!), from one human to another, if you got anything out of this message, I hope it was this: God loves you. He sees you. He wants you. It doesn't matter where you come from, it doesn't matter where you've been, and it doesn't matter the mistakes you've made! I know you're thinking, yeah, yeah...preach, preach....blah blah blah, but I'm serious. In fact, I'm positive of His love for you and me because He says so Himself over 9,000 times. He is full of forgiveness, full of grace, and full of unwavering mercy [Ephesians 2:4-5]. I want you to bask in that today. Really, truly, bask in it. Drink it all in! And ladies, I have a special task for you that I want you to join me in; let's memorize Proverbs 31 and Psalm 36:5 together. Write them on a sticky note and post it on your bathroom mirror, in your car, wherever you spend a great amount of time. Remind yourself of the love Jesus has for you and know that no matter your age, your marital status, or what society says...you are worthy.

Lots of love and virtual hugs,
ME

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates." -Proverbs 31:10-31

"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness, to the skies." -Psalm 36:5

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. 
You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."