Oh boy. To be completely honest with you, this hurts to even confess. I've been going back and forth with myself for nearly a week now on whether or not to post this, but because I've found it to be intensely relevant for pretty much anyone with a beating heart, I will.
Forgiveness; n. -the action or process of being forgiven.
Now, that is a very scary word. Scarier than any horror movie, if you ask me. It just seems so...intimidating, so beyond me, and besides, what does it even mean? What does it look like?
Just this past Monday night, I found myself feeling flustered all over again at people that I was sure I had "forgiven". Why was I still feeling the exact same way about them that I had felt so long ago? I thought I had grown past all of that, as painful as it was, but that ugly, human nature part of me seemed ever so eager to remind exactly why I shouldn't love them (as I am loved), and more importantly, why I shouldn't forgive them.
At first, I was just as eager to side with that part of me, the part that wanted to be angry, the part that wanted to feel validated, the part that wanted walk in unforgiveness. I started a mental reel of all the things that had hurt me, wounded me, crushed me. The longer it got, the angrier I got...and then it hit. It felt like a gigantic, larger-than-life wave had just washed over me and reduced me to tears. Mournful, broken tears. 'What was that?', I wondered. It felt like I had been turned upside down emotionally. It paralyzed me. After a few moments of complete confusion, I realized what it was...I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want any of it. I didn't want the anger, I didn't want the bitterness, and I didn't want the unforgiveness. I suddenly felt breathless, helpless, almost panic stricken because I wasn't sure I'd know who I was without it. For so long, I had (unknowingly, really) let this seed of unforgiveness become bigger, and bigger, and bigger and before I knew it, it had overtaken the most tender part of me.
As I sobbed at the ugliness of my attitude, I begged and pleaded with God to take it away. All of it, the unkind thoughts towards them, the bitterness of things past, and all remnants of (here it is again), unforgiveness. I know this might sound completely silly, but in that moment, I felt so utterly raw, so human, and so very vulnerable. I was handing over the most wounded part of me to Someone I can't even see and it. was. scary. Who was I without it? I had let it reign over me for so long that I wasn't even sure that I could cope without it.
I think what I realized more than anything was the fact that, I had been forgiven by the very God of forgiveness and yet here I was, clawing to stay in a place of unforgiveness and even worse, denying the very heart of who He is to those around me. As much as I didn't want it anymore, that all too human part of me was refusing to let go of it. Why, why, WHY is it so hard to forgive sometimes? Why is it that in moments of clarity, that sneaky, bitter feeling of something past sneaks in and reminds us why we're angry in the first place?
The more I sobbed, the more I realized that it's because of God's forgiveness that I'm even able to forgive in the first place. I was suddenly able to picture Him saying, "I'll take it for you. I bear the load you cannot handle. I'll take it". I cannot describe to you the tenderness of that moment, but now I know one thing for sure: we are free to forgive because we have been freely forgiven. No strings attached. No uncertainty. No questions. We're forgiven of all our humanness. Completely. Wholly. Totally. Forgiven. Isn't that wonderful? We are free to be, free to live, free to forgive.
One of my favorite Scriptures is John 10:10 and it says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I realized that for me, this "thief" was a spirit of unforgiveness. It colored my every thought, my every action and yet, left me increasingly empty. It was eating me alive internally, BUT it's only by His grace and mercy that I was able to finally let go and breathe in the fresh, clean air of complete forgiveness. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some super-spiritual, ultra strong, "ideal" Christian...because I'm so not. I'm human. I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. I'm unsure. It's only through the grace of God (literally!) that I'm even able to get up in the morning. My very life depends on Him, which is scary to think about at times, but I have to trust it. I don't want to half-live my life, muddled underneath unrequited feelings, I want life at its fullest and what's even better...is that God Himself wants that for me, too! For all of us!
As a side note, I'll warn you...unlike God's forgiveness towards us, our forgiveness towards each other is not a one-time thing. It's not something you say one time and then go on about your day, because as humans, we're naturally inclined to hold onto stuff, feelings, and emotions. It's a constant decision to say, "God, I'm giving it to you. All of it. I don't want it anymore". It's a (sometimes painful) daily struggle, but it sure is a beautiful process. Which reminds me, did y'all love the how the definition for forgiveness includes the word "process"? I found that to be painfully true. It is a process, sometimes a lifelong one, but ultimately it's worth it. The pain, the fear, the struggle, the uncertainty is worth it.
Whew. That was tough to delve into, but I hope whoever reads this found some relevance and commonality through it. We're human. We mess up. We're unreasonable at times BUT we're freely forgiven. I recently came across the perfect quote (on Pinterest, of course!) and it says this: "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future". Such beautiful words with an even more beautiful meaning...
Xoxo,
ME
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are My disciples." -John 13:34-35
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