Contradictions.

"Why is life so hard?" 

One of my very best friends texted me this the other night and for probably the first time in my life (ok, maybe not the very first time), I was at a loss for words. I didn't text back for a good half hour...which is somewhat unusual for me. It's such a simple question and yet...not at all. Why is life so hard sometimes? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do perfectly healthy children suddenly get diagnosed with cancer? My answer? I don't know. I'm not going to begin to try and answer or reason with something that I just can't figure. Yes, I can sit here and say we live in an evil, fallen world and that's just what happens, but what kind of hollow answer is that? I've come to realize that there are things we'll never understand the meaning of, good or bad. But isn't that what makes life...life? I think a lot of people want a map or manual handed to them, showing them which way to go or which route to take, but isn't it the periods of complete derailment that make us into who we're supposed to be? Jesus never said life would be safe and He most certainly never said it would be easy, but I've found that it's in those moments of complete brokenness and confusion and wandering that I realize...even through the aching sting of loss or heartbreak, life is beautiful. It's messy. It's confusing. It's downright crazy...but it's beautiful. 

I have to admit to you though, sometimes, I wish more than anything that I had all of the answers. I want to know why people come and go so quickly through our lives. I want to know why children starve in third-world countries while children here turn there noses up at the food they're given. I want to know why it's so easy to judge and yet so incredibly hard and painful to love sometimes. I want to know the real reason as to why God made mosquitos...(c'mon, you know you wonder the same thing).
...........
But then again, I don't want to know because to me, that is the beauty of life, the not knowing. Is that scary? Well, yeah, but I think it'd be so much scarier to know everything. If we knew everything...there would be absolutely no need for grace and worst still, there'd be no mystery. And if you ask me, it's that mystery, that spark that keeps us wanting to live for just one day more.

I also wonder though...if we knew all of the answers, would we even be able to understand them? Could our simple, finite minds even comprehend them?

Needless to say, when I find eternity...I'll have a lot of questions:)

xoxo, me

The question.

I'm a collector. I collect vintage clothes. I collect antique, hand-stitched handkerchiefs. I collect old toffee tins that most people see as junk. And lastly (and most importantly, if you ask me) I collect books. That's not all, I could go on forever. Literally... But I won't for your sake. I love the history of things. I love knowing that they had a past. I love that they've somehow made it through the years, presumably through moves and divorces and separations and family feuds. I love that each and every thing has a "story".

As I was going through all of my stuff the other day, it hit me, like really hit me, almost for the first time. One day, it'll all be gone. Mere dust and none of it will matter. Nobody will ooh and ah over it and tell me how "unique" or "interesting" I am because of the things that I collect. The clothes I wear and the books of poetry passed down from my precious and ever missed great-grandmother won't matter. As much as I try to fill my life with things that I think will set me apart...in reality, it's not things that set me (or you) apart. It's how we choose to love that sets us apart, it's in how we choose to part with the day and welcome the evening, it's in how we choose to welcome each and every new and precious morning. It's in those pedestrian moments of simplicity that we figure out who we really are and there's no epic movie score that accompanies it, but it's in those small, quiet, seemingly dull and routine moments that we're able to separate self from stuff. 

So many times, we try to silence the ever present question of, "Who am I?", with stuff. With things. With antique toffee tins and vintage clothes and old books...and yet, does that ever silence the question? 

....if only it were that easy. It's hard to think about life without stuff, without the things we unconsciously cling to each and every day and I could say it's because we're Americans, but really, it's because we're people. It's because we're human. We follow our eyes when we should follow our heart. We long for what is unseen (like hope, joy, peace, love, and satisfaction) and yet we clumsily answer these longings and desires with manmade things, things that we can see with our human eyes and things that will all too soon be tossed away or given to Goodwill. We can't even fathom a life without stuff. It's unnatural. It's strange. It's scary. But if we strip it away, who are we then? Beyond my affinity for vintage and pre-loved things, who am I? 

I keep looking at the remnants of things past to tell me who I am today, not realizing that at the base of who I am, is a soul that longs for more than things, for more than stuff, for more than what money can ever afford. It goes so far beyond that. And it's confusing sometimes. But I'm learning more and more that the real me, is not found in a comfy and quaint antique market or in a small, cramped and locally-owned bookstore that smells like a heavenly blend coffee and old hymnals. No, that's not me. As much as I adore both of those things, they don't make me who I am. And you know, that's scary to think about. The things we participate in and support and spend our money on are typically the things that we label ourselves by, but why? Why is it so hard for me to realize that I'm not what I cling to? You and I are so much more than what we store up on this earth. We're breath and flesh and blood...and God doesn't expect us to be anything else. We're beautiful and unique and interesting and accepted...without all of our stuff... 

xoxo, 

 me

I'm needy.

You know what I don't understand? Why the term, 'needy' is used negatively. You never hear someone use the say 'in need' or 'needy' in a positive way. Think about it. We help 'needy' people, those 'in need', that person is 'needy', this person is 'needy'. Why is it that we take such pride in helping needy people and yet we would never, ever want to classify our own selves as needy? Here's the thing...we're all needy. We all long for something, for someone to connect to and while yes, our needs may not look like those that the world considers lowly, we all have needs and most of the time when you dig deep down to the roots, they're the same. Never think for a minute that you're any different than the homeless man begging on the street corner or the young woman desperately trying to seek shelter in a relationship, because you're not and neither am I. Inside each of us, beats a beautifully vulnerable heart that longs for the exact same thing. The comfort and fulfillment that love brings and the longing for being a part of something bigger than ourselves. 

And you know what I'm finding along the way? I'm realizing more and more that it's ok to be needy, it's ok to need God, it's ok to need people, it's ok to ask for support and guidance. It's ok. Even though we live in a world that screams, begs, and beckons for us to be independent, at our core...we're not meant to be. We were created to long for, created to desire, created to need. And why is that we're so bent on the need to discover ourselves, when the very foundation of what everything we'll ever need is wrapped up in who He is?

So yes, I'm needy and I'm ok with that...and I hope I always am. And little by little, God is showing me not to help people because they're needy, but because they're people.


xoxo, me

Song of the day.

For those of you that adore music (and c'mon, who doesn't?), I hope you enjoy this cover as much as I do. The fact that it's acoustic AND it's the theme song from one of my favorite movies of all time (Breakfast at Tiffany's) just sends me over the moon (pun intended). So dreamy. If you haven't already heard of them, do yourself a favor and check out The Honey Trees. FANTASTIC.

The heart of the matter.

Recently, I was talking with some friends about regrets. Things we wished we hadn't said, things we wish we hadn't done, things we wish we had thought twice about. During our conversation, it occurred to me, that we as humans carry around enormous burdens of regret, disappointment, fear, and the longing to go back; To undo things, to unsay words we said in anger or fear. Whether it's little occurrences, or large and life-altering situations, we all have these little, hidden places in our lives that aren't so shiny, or pretty, or easy and you know what bothers me about that? Somewhere along the way, we get convinced by society, our friends, and hey let's face it, our churches, that God can't use that. God can only use the pretty, already 'perfect' situations, why would He even bother with the messy, ugly, and painful parts of our lives? No one wants to see that! We hinge our respect for ourselves on what others think of our lives. If others ridicule us, we ridicule ourselves, and then it becomes one big, painful and blistering cycle of regret and self-hate.

These conversations made me realize one thing: we have forgotten how much God loves us. We get so hung up in the rules and regulations of religion that we have completely overlooked the fact that His love is the only thing that can ever exceed anything we experience on this earth. It eclipses our lives here and transcends into eternity. God loves you. Do you understand that? He loves you. And it's not because of anything you say or do, it doesn't hinge on your behavior. God's love is like nothing we can ever understand on this side of the universe. When you walk outside and look at the night sky, glittering with stars and galaxies, do you realize that He breathed that into existence that for you? Hard to grasp, but the picture of that is breathtaking in every way. 

I guess what I'm trying to reiterate, is that I wish that people understood just how much they're loved. It doesn't matter what you've done, it doesn't matter where you've been, and it doesn't matter how many times you've failed. He loves you. You know how a new mother looks at her child? That look of complete bliss and satisfaction and love and wonder...that's how God sees you every single day of your life. He doesn't see the stains from our mistakes, He sees a heart that's desperate to be loved and accepted. He sees you wholly and completely and He sees past your outward appearance, He sees your heart and the beauty that lies within. 

I hear people say all the time, "I'm living life with no regrets", but let's be honest with ourselves: that's impossible. There are always going to be moments you're not proud of and things you wished had never happened in the first place, but I want you to realize that God goes beyond that. He doesn't judge, He doesn't point fingers, He doesn't talk about us behind our back. He's not like us, He doesn't have our emotions or our tendency to judge critically and immediately. He embraces us, He longs for us to trust Him, He sent His son just so we could live in the freedom of a promised eternity.

My prayer for anyone struggling with regret and shame over your past is that you would realize that you are not your past. You are valued, you are worth more than you can ever imagine, and you were given the life that you're living for a reason. Don't let your shame and regret of things past make you into someone that God never meant for you to be. Forgive the ones that hurt you, forgive yourself, and know that you can never, ever do anything that would make God love you any less. Life is messy, it's painful, and sometimes, it's just plain confusing, but don't think for one minute that God can't use those parts of your life. He loves taking the messy and the painful and the confusing and turning them into something beautiful beyond measure. Some people say you can't see God, but look around you. Look at the clouds, look at the flower and trees and birds, breathe deeply and rest in the fact that all that you see, was created out of love for you. Bask in that. 

Leave your shame behind. Leave your fear behind. Leave your self-hatred behind. You're forgiven. You're free from your past. You're free to live. Realize that regrets are inevitable, but declaring freedom from them is a choice. Above everything, know that you are loved. 

xoxo, me

Psalm 103: 8-12

Exodus.

'It made me feel like even though a million things are different in my life than they were then, like email and Gore-Tex and Zone Bars and dishwashers, some things are not so different, like bugs and yeast and the impulse to worship. There's still a big story, disguised as regular life, and the big story is about love and death and God, and about bread and wine and olives, about forgiveness and hunger and freedom, about all the things we dream about, and all the things we handle and hold. Exodus was the Wild West, lawless and risky, and it's the cities we live in, bursting with life and meaning, and someday, when the future brings a world we can't even imagine now, Exodus will be there, in the songs and sounds and in the flesh and bones of a people who still wander and yearn for home.' 

 It's amazing the power words have over us, isn't it? This particular quote is from one of my favorite books, 'Cold Tangerines'. In the book, the author (Shauna Niequist) points out how the simplicities of life are what threads it all together. So many times, I find myself in a mixed up jumble of what I think my life should be about...only to realize that I've once again missed its' meaning completely. Life is not about promotions, it's not about events, it's not about achievements, it's not about our feelings, it's not about our futures, it's not about what we think it should be about. I've come to realize that life is about blue sky days and rainy nights, it's about riding your shopping cart down the aisles like you did when you were a kid, it's about laughing for no reason and crying because you realize all over again how sweet love is, it's about driving around aimlessly just so you can roll down the windows and sing at the top of your lungs, it's about knowing that at any moment something wonderful can eclipse the pain of fear and worry. One thing life will never be about: us.

We struggle through our daily routines, saying that our lives are "complicated", when in reality, we're the ones that make it that way. Life, at its purest form, is sweet and fragrant and rich and intoxicating, but it's never complicated. In fact, it's simple. And I'm not talking about the cycle of life itself, I'm talking about the ins and outs, the day-to-day functions...and dysfunctions. Our once pure emotions get tangled in our small-minded human reasoning...and that's where it gets complicated. God didn't create our hearts so we could puncture them with self-inflicted pressure and expectation. We weren't created to glorify ourselves, we weren't created to figure out the meaning of life, we weren't created to reason until we're blue in the face, we were created to live. We were created to hold those close to us in good times and bad, to love people past their beliefs and actions, to play in the rain barefooted, to bake chocolate chip cookies exactly at midnight just because. Life isn't meant to be scrutinized, it's meant to be lived. And not because of the "YOLO" craze, not because our pastors and ministers tell us we should in order to feel "fulfilled", and not because it makes sense, but because at the very core of each of our lives, there is an overwhelming desire to be a part of Something bigger than ourself.

I hope I never understand the true meaning of life. I don't want to. You and I are not here to understand, we're here to love and worship, and explore, and go, and do, and hunger and thirst for things that cannot be fed by the material world. I want to constantly be hungry and not for food, but for what I cannot see; love, hope, mercy, grace, forgiveness, joy, goodness and I never want to filled, I want to always hunger for those things. To me, that's the best kind of hunger there is, the hunger to be poured out daily for the glory of the One who knew us before we knew ourselves. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I wasted it on doing what I thought was living. I don't want it to be a monochromatic reel of tasks, and wasted opportunities, and unspoken words of forgiveness. I want it to vibrant. 

My prayer for now is not that I understand, but that I realize that with each breath given to me, life is beyond my reasoning, it's beyond my control, it's beyond what I can comprehend as a mere being. The more I realize that, the more I realize that I am not meant to go on this journey alone, and in turn, I become even more dependent on the One who gave me breath, who gave me a generous coffee colored birthmark on my left arm, the One who knew that I would greatly struggle with anxiety and depression, and the One who created me with a great need to hug and nurture those around me. Independence is greatly valued in today's world, but I don't want it. The older I get, the more I want to depend on Jesus...and I hope that never changes and I also hope I never forget that life has nothing to do with me.

xoxo, me

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." ++Psalm 63:3

The scariest word of all.

Oh boy. To be completely honest with you, this hurts to even confess. I've been going back and forth with myself for nearly a week now on whether or not to post this, but because I've found it to be intensely relevant for pretty much anyone with a beating heart, I will.

Forgiveness; n. -the action or process of being forgiven.

 Now, that is a very scary word. Scarier than any horror movie, if you ask me. It just seems so...intimidating, so beyond me, and besides, what does it even mean? What does it look like?

Just this past Monday night, I found myself feeling flustered all over again at people that I was sure I had "forgiven". Why was I still feeling the exact same way about them that I had felt so long ago? I thought I had grown past all of that, as painful as it was, but that ugly, human nature part of me seemed ever so eager to remind exactly why I shouldn't love them (as I am loved), and more importantly, why I shouldn't forgive them.

 At first, I was just as eager to side with that part of me, the part that wanted to be angry, the part that wanted to feel validated, the part that wanted walk in unforgiveness. I started a mental reel of all the things that had hurt me, wounded me, crushed me. The longer it got, the angrier I got...and then it hit. It felt like a gigantic, larger-than-life wave had just washed over me and reduced me to tears. Mournful, broken tears. 'What was that?', I wondered. It felt like I had been turned upside down emotionally. It paralyzed me. After a few moments of complete confusion, I realized what it was...I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want any of it. I didn't want the anger, I didn't want the bitterness, and I didn't want the unforgiveness. I suddenly felt breathless, helpless, almost panic stricken because I wasn't sure I'd know who I was without it. For so long, I had (unknowingly, really) let this seed of unforgiveness become bigger, and bigger, and bigger and before I knew it, it had overtaken the most tender part of me.

 As I sobbed at the ugliness of my attitude, I begged and pleaded with God to take it away. All of it, the unkind thoughts towards them, the bitterness of things past, and all remnants of (here it is again), unforgiveness. I know this might sound completely silly, but in that moment, I felt so utterly raw, so human, and so very vulnerable. I was handing over the most wounded part of me to Someone I can't even see and it. was. scary. Who was I without it? I had let it reign over me for so long that I wasn't even sure that I could cope without it.

 I think what I realized more than anything was the fact that, I had been forgiven by the very God of forgiveness and yet here I was, clawing to stay in a place of unforgiveness and even worse, denying the very heart of who He is to those around me. As much as I didn't want it anymore, that all too human part of me was refusing to let go of it. Why, why, WHY is it so hard to forgive sometimes? Why is it that in moments of clarity, that sneaky, bitter feeling of something past sneaks in and reminds us why we're angry in the first place?

 The more I sobbed, the more I realized that it's because of God's forgiveness that I'm even able to forgive in the first place. I was suddenly able to picture Him saying, "I'll take it for you. I bear the load you cannot handle. I'll take it". I cannot describe to you the tenderness of that moment, but now I know one thing for sure: we are free to forgive because we have been freely forgiven. No strings attached. No uncertainty. No questions. We're forgiven of all our humanness. Completely. Wholly. Totally. Forgiven. Isn't that wonderful? We are free to be, free to live, free to forgive.

 One of my favorite Scriptures is John 10:10 and it says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I realized that for me, this "thief" was a spirit of unforgiveness. It colored my every thought, my every action and yet, left me increasingly empty. It was eating me alive internally, BUT it's only by His grace and mercy that I was able to finally let go and breathe in the fresh, clean air of complete forgiveness. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some super-spiritual, ultra strong, "ideal" Christian...because I'm so not. I'm human. I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. I'm unsure. It's only through the grace of God (literally!) that I'm even able to get up in the morning. My very life depends on Him, which is scary to think about at times, but I have to trust it. I don't want to half-live my life, muddled underneath unrequited feelings, I want life at its fullest and what's even better...is that God Himself wants that for me, too! For all of us!

As a side note, I'll warn you...unlike God's forgiveness towards us, our forgiveness towards each other is not a one-time thing. It's not something you say one time and then go on about your day, because as humans, we're naturally inclined to hold onto stuff, feelings, and emotions. It's a constant decision to say, "God, I'm giving it to you. All of it. I don't want it anymore". It's a (sometimes painful) daily struggle, but it sure is a beautiful process. Which reminds me, did y'all love the how the definition for forgiveness includes the word "process"? I found that to be painfully true. It is a process, sometimes a lifelong one, but ultimately it's worth it. The pain, the fear, the struggle, the uncertainty is worth it.


Whew. That was tough to delve into, but I hope whoever reads this found some relevance and commonality through it. We're human. We mess up. We're unreasonable at times BUT we're freely forgiven. I recently came across the perfect quote (on Pinterest, of course!) and it says this: "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future". Such beautiful words with an even more beautiful meaning...

Xoxo,
ME


"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are My disciples." -John 13:34-35